Dear Parent,
I understand your concerns. Every day, you hear about that child in the classroom who constantly hits, shoves, pinches, or even bites others. The child who always needs to hold my hand in the hallway sits in a particular spot on the carpet and sometimes uses a chair instead. The one who had to leave the block center because blocks aren’t meant for throwing, and who poured milk onto the floor out of anger, then used up the entire paper towel roll to clean it up. The child who let slip a solemn curse word during gym class.
You’re worried that this child is affecting your child’s learning experience, that they might take up too much of your attention and energy, and that your child won’t receive the support they deserve. You’re concerned that this child might hurt someone, potentially your child, or that your child might start imitating their aggressive behavior. You’re also worried about your child falling behind academically if I overlook their struggles, such as holding a pencil.
I understand these worries.
Your child, this year, in this classroom, at this age, is not like that child. While your child isn’t perfect, they follow the rules, share toys peacefully, and don’t throw furniture. They raise their hand to speak, work when it's time, and play when appropriate. They can be trusted to go to the bathroom and return without mischief. Your child might think that the S-word means “stupid” and the C-word means “crap.” I know this.
I also worry—about all of the children. I think about your child’s pencil grip, another child’s letter sounds, a shy student, and one who often comes to school with an empty lunchbox. I worry about Gavin’s coat not being warm enough and Talitha’s struggles with printing. Much of my time, whether driving or showering, is consumed with these concerns.
However, I know you’re focused on that one child. And while I wish I could share more about this child, there are many things I can't disclose.
I can’t tell you that she was adopted from an orphanage at 18 months. I can’t mention that he is on a strict diet due to potential food allergies, leaving him hungry all the time. I can’t reveal that her parents are going through a tough divorce and she is staying with her grandma or that there are concerns about grandma’s drinking. I can’t share that his asthma medication causes agitation or that her single-parent situation means she’s at school from early morning to late evening, with a lengthy commute that results in less sleep. I can’t tell you that he has witnessed domestic violence.
You understand that I can’t share personal or family details. You just want to know what I’m doing about that child’s behavior.
I wish I could explain everything, but I can’t.
I can’t tell you that she receives speech-language therapy due to a severe language delay and that the therapist believes the aggression is related to communication frustrations. I can’t share that I meet with his parents weekly, often with both in tears. I can’t disclose that we have a secret hand signal for when she needs to take a break or that he finds comfort in sitting on my lap during rest time, telling me it helps him feel better.
I can’t reveal that I’ve been tracking her aggressive incidents closely and that they’ve decreased significantly. I can’t tell you that I’ve arranged with the school secretary for him to visit the office for a change of scenery when needed or that I’ve passionately asked my colleagues to be incredibly attentive and compassionate towards her, even when frustrated.
There’s so much I can’t share about this child, including the positive aspects.
I can’t tell you that he takes his job of watering the plants seriously and was heartbroken when a plant died. I can’t mention that she lovingly says goodbye to her baby sister every morning. I can’t say that he knows much about thunderstorms or that she enjoys helping with pencil sharpening. I can’t share that she gently strokes her best friend's hair at rest time or that he comforts a crying classmate with his favorite stuffed animal.
What I can tell you is this: If your child ever becomes the one who struggles, I won’t disclose your family’s private matters to other parents. I will communicate with you openly, clearly, and compassionately. I will provide tissues during our meetings and offer a comforting hand if you need it.
I will advocate for your child to receive the best specialist services and collaborate with those professionals as much as possible. I will ensure your child gets the extra love and attention they need, and I will always look for and highlight the beautiful qualities of your child.
If another parent raises concerns about your child, I will reassure them of all the positive things I see and support your child just as I would any other.
With sincere care,
Teacher