Parenting approaches vary widely, with new methods like gentle parenting and free-range parenting sparking strong opinions. Each parent’s journey is unique, and even within the same family, different children may be raised differently by the same parents.
As parents, we are constantly discovering what methods are effective and recognizing that each child has unique needs and personalities. While there’s no universal parenting formula, certain evidence-based practices can serve as useful guidelines for personalizing your approach.
Over 20 years ago, when I first became a parent, my family was quite critical of my approach, particularly because it involved no traditional forms of punishment for undesirable behavior. Back then, and still for some today, this approach seemed unusual. However, my children have never experienced punishment in the conventional sense.
During my early parenting years, I often defended my methods, which was frustrating but didn’t deter me. I had a unique advantage: while raising my first child, I was pursuing a degree in child development and family relations, graduating when my second child was six months old. This education gave me insight into child psychology and effective interaction strategies.
This background led me to prioritize natural and logical consequences over punishment. I see punishment as disconnected from the behavior itself. Traditional punishments might include grounding a child for poor academic performance or time-outs for inappropriate language, and more severe forms might involve physical discipline or public shaming on social media (like a recent incident where a mother posted a video of her running over her child’s television as punishment).
Natural consequences occur without much parental interference and are usually predictable, provided the child is not in immediate danger. For example, when my daughter was around 4 or 5, she left her shoes outside near our swing set. Despite multiple reminders and warnings that her shoes would get dirty, she ignored them. By the time P.E. day arrived, her shoes were filled with slugs and spider webs, rendering them unusable. This natural consequence led her to wear jelly shoes to school, but it wasn’t a punishment.
Logical consequences, on the other hand, are imposed by the parent and are directly related to the behavior. For instance, my youngest son must be in bed by 8 PM with lights out by 8:30. He often tries to extend his playtime, which reduces his allotted TV time. If he wastes his TV time, it’s disappointing, but it’s not a punishment.
Using natural and logical consequences has helped my children develop critical thinking skills and independence. With one adult child and two teenagers, they seek guidance from me or research on their own when making decisions. I’ve allowed them to face safe, natural consequences, even when it was difficult to watch, such as failing a grade or dealing with the fallout from gossip.
Have I made parenting mistakes? Absolutely. No one is perfect, including my children. But from an early age, they saw me as a guide in their decision-making process, which has helped them build confidence in their choices.
Every parenting style has its merits, and what works for one family might not work for another. This approach has been effective for us, but parents should find what best suits their own families to raise well-rounded, kind individuals.