Are you the first person your child turns to when they’re hurt, need their device charged, or have a doctor’s appointment? Do you find yourself dealing with school issues more often than your partner? If so, you might be the “default parent” in your family, a role that can come with significant challenges.
Dr. Amber Thornton, writing for Psychology Today, points out that default parents—typically women—often face several psychological issues. These include chronic fatigue and burnout, feelings of resentment towards their partners and children, a decreased ability to care for themselves, and a notable decline in mental health.
Dr. Thornton attributes this issue to systemic expectations that place primary caregiving and household responsibilities on women.
Research by Kristy Buzard, Laura K. Gee, and Olga Stoddard highlights how schools contribute to reinforcing the default parent role. Their study analyzed responses from over 30,000 U.S. schools to messages from fictitious parents asking about school placement. The study revealed a clear bias in favor of mothers when it came to handling school-related matters.
In their research, three scenarios were tested:
- When a message asked the principal to contact either parent, 59% of principals called the mother.
- When the message indicated that the father had “a lot of availability,” he received 74% of the calls, while the mother received 26%.
- Conversely, if the message stated that the mother was “more available,” she was called 90% of the time, with the father receiving just 10% of the calls.
In her “ParentData” newsletter, Economist Emily Oster explains that indicating the mother’s availability nearly always results in her being contacted, whereas displaying the father's availability does not guarantee he will be called.
Despite this outdated bias, schools can potentially drive change towards greater equality. Oster suggests a simple solution: schools should ask parents who they should contact first at the beginning of each year.
Oster argues that this change would promote household equality and increase efficiency. “It’s simply more practical to contact the available parent rather than one who is less likely to respond,” she writes.