You want your grandchildren to feel happy, loved, and connected in your company. Unfortunately, this doesn't always happen.
Ann-Louise Lockhart, a pediatric psychologist and president of A New Day Pediatric Psychology in San Antonio, told HuffPost that unintentional or well-meaning comments from grandparents can make grandkids feel uncomfortable.
Therefore, it's essential to communicate with our grandkids all year long, not just during this time.
The way you say things can be challenging to change, but you should be aware of how your words impact how your grandkids think about themselves and their relationship with you,” Lockhart said.
Our survey asked Lockhart and other experts which common phrases should be avoided and what should be said instead.
If you've used any of the below phrases before – or if you slip up in the future – don't worry too much or beat yourself up.
𝟏. “𝐃𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐥 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬 …”
Whether you sneak an extra cookie (or two) behind your grandkids' parents' back or let them stay up late and whisper, “It'll be our little secret.” Whenever you encourage your grandkids to hide something from their parents, Atlanta clinical psychologist Zainab Delawalla warns that it can be harmful.
She said it undermines parental authority, which can have long-term consequences. Additionally, it teaches kids that it may be in their ‘best interest' not to tell their parents when they are in these situations. This can be particularly dangerous if a child is being groomed by a predator or feels bad about themselves for being bullied.
Instead, emphasize the importance of being honest with their parents no matter what.
Delawalla said grandparents can depend on their grandchildren without crossing their parents' boundaries.
𝟐. “𝐘𝐨𝐮'𝐫𝐞 𝐠𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐬𝐨 𝐛𝐢𝐠! 𝐇𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐠𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐝 𝐰𝐞𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭?”
Body image and self-esteem issues can be exacerbated by comments about a child's body or weight, Lockhart said.
“As responsible adults, we must encourage and support children to feel confident in their skin,” she said. I hear about it constantly in my practice, from young children through adults. We should avoid comments that could hurt their self-worth and lead to insecurity. The harsh comments made by grandparents are often remembered and repeated repeatedly.”
According to Dorn, any remarks or comparisons about bodily appearance can be problematic. Examples include: “Have you lost weight?” or “Wow, you're taller than your brother now!”.
She explained that comments about physical appearance or comparisons to others place an emphasis on external features rather than internal characteristics.
It's lovely to see you again! I've missed spending time with you. How have you been? Open-ended questions about your grandchildren's interests, activities, or hobbies are also great.
Taking a genuinely interested interest in who kids are on the inside makes them feel seen and heard and reinforces the message that people are more than what they wear or how they look,” Dorn said.
𝟑. “𝐖𝐨𝐰, 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐚 𝐥𝐨𝐭 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐈 𝐝𝐢𝐝!”
It is best to keep comments about your grandkids' food intake to yourself – “You eat so fast,” “You're in the clean plate club,” “You haven't touched anything on your plate.”
As Dorn explained, learning about food and hunger cues is an essential developmental step in childhood. Children may adjust their eating behavior in response to another person's comments or perspective rather than following their bodies' signals. As a result, children may also feel ashamed or confused in the moment or over time.
Dorn recommends listening to your body if you decide to speak up about your grandkid's plate or eating habits.
“You can also model this behavior by listening to your own body and stopping when you're full and eating when you're hungry. Modeling good eating habits is more important than any comments we can make,” she said.
𝟒. “𝐘𝐨𝐮'𝐫𝐞 𝐬𝐮𝐜𝐡 𝐚 𝐬𝐩𝐨𝐢𝐥𝐭 𝐛𝐫𝐚𝐭.”
Overstimulation and lack of routine around the holidays can lead to big emotions and challenging behaviors in kids. You may comment on how spoiled your grandchild is when they act ungratefully while opening presents or throwing a fit because they didn't get what they wanted.
If the behavior is consistent, it might have less to do with the child and more with how they are being raised.
“A clinical psychologist from Pasadena, California, Ryan Howes, told HuffPost: “If they act entitled and ungrateful, it may be a behavior they have learned or experienced, or possibly something reinforced by their parents.” Giving them all the blame isn't fair. Suck it up or talk to the parents, but keep the judgment to yourself.”
𝟓. “𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐛𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐠𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐦𝐞 𝐚 𝐡𝐮𝐠 𝐨𝐫 𝐤𝐢𝐬𝐬!”
It's natural for grandparents to want to connect with their grandchildren in this way, especially when they're so excited to see them. However, many kids may feel uncomfortable giving hugs and kisses if not asked, and adults must respect this.
“While this phrase is likely to be filled with love and a completely normal desire to foster closeness and connection with a child, it can also unintentionally deprive a child of autonomy and force them to abandon and question their body boundaries,” Dorn said. “This can send confusing messages about consent.”
To respect your grandkids' boundaries, you may want to ask: “Is it okay if I hug you?”
If they say “no,” accept their answer and move on.
Using guilt with comments like, ‘Please, just one? I'm your grandma/grandpa!' isn't the way to go. The best thing to do is to keep the mood light and say something like, ‘I love you so much and can't wait to hear all about your life.'”
Another way to connect is to wave hello or goodbye or give a fist bump or high five.
It can be a powerful message to kids that essential grown-ups will respect their body boundaries no matter what they feel they don't have much self-determination,” Dorn said. Furthermore, this approach promotes a healthy understanding of boundaries and consent in other areas of their lives by reinforcing that physical affection is a personal choice.
𝟔. 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐭𝐡 𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐰𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 …
Over time, parenting styles and best practices change. You may have raised your children differently from how your adult children are now raising their children.
Grandparents grew up in different eras, with different customs and norms, so naturally, they would want to comment on the differences. While pointing out these distinctions isn't inherently wrong, it's easy for those remarks to come across as shaming. When I mean shaming, I mean declaring that one way was right and another was wrong and that there was something wrong with the grandchild or their parents.”
Howes said the best advice is to keep those comments to yourself unless you see “significant blindspots or areas that could potentially harm the child.”
He said it's not a good idea to criticize your adult child's parenting choices to your grandkids.
According to Howes, grandparents who are unhappy with their children's parenting should bring it up or keep it to themselves but not involve the grandchildren.