If you're part of social media groups for parents of older teens, you might have encountered the term “soiling the nest.” While not everyone is familiar with it, many parents in these circles are using the term inaccurately to describe various troubling behaviors.
So, what exactly is “soiling the nest”? This psychological term refers to the period between the final months of high school and the transition to college. Teenagers often become more irritable, distant, and challenging during this time. As they prepare to leave home, they may push away from their family to ease the emotional strain of departure.
This phase can resemble the early teen years with their characteristic mood swings and rebellious attitudes, but it's not a second puberty. It's simply a developmental stage that occurs as children are about to exit adolescence.
However, not all problematic behaviors should be categorized as “soiling the nest.” As both a licensed therapist and a parent of older children, I've noticed a troubling trend where parents use this term to excuse inappropriate or dangerous actions.
Behaviors such as swearing at parents, extreme anger, staying out all night, or blocking phone calls are not typical examples of soiling the nest. Similarly, sudden substance abuse, excessive drinking, and physical or verbal abuse are serious issues, not developmental stages that should be overlooked. Mislabeling these behaviors as part of soiling the nest can lead parents to ignore significant mental health concerns or tolerate unacceptable conduct.
The misunderstanding likely stems from popularizing psychological terms on social media, where they are often misused. This misuse can cause parents to overlook serious issues or accept behavior that should not be tolerated.
Household rules and expectations for respectful behavior should remain consistent, even as teens approach adulthood. For example, if a teen is more focused on socializing, stretches their curfew, or neglects responsibilities like feeding pets, these are typical signs of soiling the nest. It's normal for late teens to be moody or challenging, and they might think they know it all, but this doesn't mean extreme behaviors should be dismissed.
Soiling the nest is a normal part of development, but it’s crucial to differentiate between typical teenage behavior and more severe issues that require intervention.